I have always been a very dependent person. I am very much not independent, that’s how I’ve always been. Then after a particularly nasty break up, I couldn’t take it. I started isolating myself. Cutting so many people off. Spending most of my time alone, because I needed to stop being so damn dependent on others. It’s a sort of discipline training, not talking to people for days, weeks. Going places by myself. Lots of time reflecting on who I am and what I want. It’s important to me that I can handle being alone, because we all die alone. I will probably end up alone. I don’t want children. I probably wont get married. I think it’s important for me to prepare for being alone. Spend more time alone. Get to know yourself, your strengths and all of your weaknesses. Discover you. It is so important because really all you ever truly have is yourself. Get comfortable with yourself, take yourself out, do things you enjoy alone. Learn that you do not need another person to make yourself happy or to make your life worthwhile. Find happiness in being alone.
Letting spirits, angels, guides, possess you and take control to write out the messages you need to hear. I highly recommend it. I like to use regular pen and paper, lay out some crystals (tourmaline for grounding and protection, amethyst for psychic abilities, and normally celestite for spirit communication and then a crystal for whatever I want advice on, so rose quartz if I want love advice). I write, “dear higher self” and then my question. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let my higher self take over writing exactly what I need to hear. It really calms me and makes me feel better about myself and life.
Falling in love is like going through a hurricane. It’s calming as it starts off – rain, thunder – comforting almost. Then it gets scary – wind picks up, power goes out, we retreat to somewhere safe to protect ourselves – normally taking the high ground. At the end we’re left in the wreckage. The hurricane having passed and moved on to somewhere else. Leaving to go shake up other peoples lives. After the first hurricane you rebuild. You learn better for the next time. How to protect yourself better. How to be stronger. How to not let the next one ruin you like others before. And you notice – hurricane names never repeat. Not in this lifetime anyway. A reminder that it will never be the exact same as the one before and to never go back to the one that hurt you.
“We are never taught to love someone through his or her flaws.” I heard this and stopped in my tracks.
I had to ask myself, “Why are so many relationships dysfunctional?” In my experience it’s because of the person we create our significant other to be, in our own heads. The idea we have of them may not even be how they actually are. We start out only knowing so much about a person and we take what little we know about them and we mold our ideas of who this person is or should be or who we want them to be. Then when something comes up that doesn’t fit the mold we’ve envisioned for our significant other; we can’t handle it. We freak out. We fight. We think to ourselves, “how could they do this to us, they‘ve changed.”
What really happens is we stop trying to know our partner for who they truly are. We just keep trying to morph them into fitting this mold we want them to fit. We refuse to realize that people change constantly; we don’t want to accept it. So we just keep trying to cram them into this mold that maybe they used to fit into. But they don’t anymore and we need to accept that.
We have such difficult times letting things go and accepting change. But all we must do is look at ourselves and see how we’ve changed. Our partner is not the only one changing and we need to talk about our fears of change with each other.
We are such imperfect creatures yet we tend to demand perfection from those we love. It’s bullshit. We aren’t perfect, we just are.
This was inspired by my last piece about the stars and I’d like to dedicate it to a boy who changed my life that I loved very much.
In a small village, in a tiny town, is a rural part of America, there lived a little girl. This little girl was tasked with an amazing feat – to hold up the sky. Day and night would come and go and this little girl would stay put, making sure the sun and the moon and all the stars would not fall to earth.
“Why do I have to hold the weight of the sky?” The little girl asked her mother one day.
“It is what you were called to do, you were born for this.” Said the little girl’s mother.
Not satisfied with this answer, the little girl asked her father, “Papa, why am I the one who has to hold up the sky?” “Well someone has to, you gotta protect not only your family but the whole world.” Said the little girl’s father.
The little girl was not happy with this answer either. She didn’t understand why someone else couldn’t take the sky from her, why all this pressure was on her. But she didn’t dare lower her arms. Her parents were counting on her, as was the rest of the world. There was too much riding on her.
So day in and day out for years this little girl held the sky until she was no longer a little girl but a young woman. She would watch all the other girls and boys go to and fro having so much fun without a care in the world, doing things she only dreamt of doing. But she dare not move, because she had this responsibility to uphold.
One day a lonely traveler came to the village. He saw her and she thought he was beautiful. He walked over to her and asked her what she was doing.
“Why don’t you see, I’m the one in charge of holding up the sky.” She told him.
“Why?” He asked her.
She pursed her lips, “Why I don’t know, this is just the way it’s always been since I was a girl. Momma said this is what I was born for and Papa says someone has to so it oughta be me.”
“I think that’s too much for a girl like yourself, heck it’s too much for anyone. You shouldn’t have to have that much responsibility. Don’t you ever just want to put it down sometimes?” He mused.
“Well of course, but I cant, I mustn’t. There’s too much at stake here. But you wouldn’t understand. You don’t have to hold up the weight of the sky, you can go wherever you please whenever.” She huffed, slightly jealous of his freedom.
He glanced at her sideways and grinned, “You can do whatever you want, you know. You don’t have to hold up the sky you can let it down at any time. Any normal person would and you know it.”
She knew he was right, but she had to defend her position. This was all she had ever known. She didn’t even know what she would do if she didn’t have the weight of the sky on her. “It’s what’s right. I am strong enough for this. So I will do it.” She told him defiantly.
He let it go. He would come back and visit her, an hour or so in the day, an hour or so at night. He told her stories of all the places he’d been and the things he had done before coming across her tiny village. She wouldn’t admit it to him, not even to herself but she was envious of him. She wanted those experiences; she wanted to go to those places. But all she did was chide him, tell him how stupid and reckless it was of him to go on such dangerous treks and she would never do such a thing. And he kept trying to convince her how great they were and she should set down the sky and try them.
“But there won’t be anything to try,” she cried. “If I set down the sky, everything ceases to exist, my life as I know it is over and so is everyone else’s.”
He smiled at her, “you don’t know that,” he said smugly “the world could continue, it would just be different, better. A new world for you and everyone else” he said confidently.
She wanted to believe him, she did. But she couldn’t let herself. The weight of the sky was a heavy burden yes but it was necessary. She was so adamant about being content with the way things were, eventually the beautiful boy got tired of trying to convince her. And he left. Neither of them wanted him to leave, he had even wanted her to go with him. But she knew she couldn’t, they both knew it was time for him to go. For him to go see new places, experience new things, meet new people and forget all about the girl who held up the sky.
So he left. And she stayed, unhappier than ever to hold up the sky. She stayed month after month, contempt growing. Contempt for the sky for needing to be held, for everyone else on this godforsaken earth for not offering to take the sky for even just a little while, and most of all for herself for never having the courage to live for herself and letting the sky fall.
She had lied to herself for so long, saying she wanted to hold the sky, it was her duty and she had to do it. She was growing tired and restless. She had been so content to stand there and watch everyone else life. But now that she heard stories about how much she hasn’t gotten to experience and how great those experiences were. It had been months since the lone traveler had left but she realized he was right the whole time. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to show him that he was right. So, one night, for the first time in her 20 years on Earth, patiently and obediently standing in the same spot with her arms up – she took a deep breath and slowly lowered her arms. And then finally, let the sky fall, the stars tumbling all around her. And she breathed a sigh of relief, for once she was finally happy. The end of one life and the start of another.
Coming home always reminds me to look at the stars. At school there’s so much light pollution you can’t see any stars at night. Since I’ve been home, every time I’m outside at night I always look up and see the stars so clearly. It’s almost otherworldly, I haven’t seen stars in many months I almost forget they’re there.
So when I see them now, I walk and I keep my eyes on the sky, it’s almost like they’re moving, like waves. They’re up above me waiting to just come crashing down.
It reminds me of the time I was in eighth grade and we had a blow up planetarium come to our middle school for our science class. We sat in the planetarium, all crisscross applesauce, looking at bright green laser projections of stars and constellations on the seemingly pitch black ceiling of the dome. Everything was fine, until we were lining up to leave. As we started to file out our teacher moved the projector so that the star projections started falling, it seemed as if space was crashing down on us. I fell to the ground and screamed.
It feels like that now as I look up to the sky, like the whole atmosphere is ready to come crashing down on earth.
Maybe that’s how I feel about life. That I’m just holding my breath until everything just come crashing down on me, the gravity of the stars and space collapsing on earth, but yet as real and possible as the crashing of a wave.
So much can go wrong, there is so much weighing on me it feels like I’m Atlas holding up the sky above me. And the sky is moving, rocking and teetering above me waiting to crash down on everything I’ve worked so hard to protect. All the people of earth are counting on me, telling me that I better protect them and keep the sky above, but no one offers to take my place. No one offers to help. But I am so tired. I have been holding the sky for so long I just want to let the sky fall and have all the stars crash around me.
Sometimes the things we think we fear are the things we really need.
Collapse. Break down. Destruction of old ways so that the new can begin. Everyone is so afraid of what could happen if I let the sky down. But what if it’s for the best? And all prolonging it does is increase the fear and make it harder for people to accept it. It has to happen. I have to step away and see what happens. For me. It is my turn to be selfish and face my fear.
I’ve given my love to many boys who ended up not wanting it and it crushed me every time. Every time I would close myself a little more, build one more wall. Until, the boys I dated hardly knew me. I didn’t want them to. I didn’t want them to get close to me, I didn’t want to break down my walls for the wrong person. And they would get tired of my walls, and leave.
I know I have no one to blame but myself, and I’m not looking for someone to break down my walls, it is something I have to do myself.
I think we close ourselves off with each relationship, each love we experience. I think there are some things we share with our first love and then never again. Our first loves know us entirely and unapologetically. I think with each relationship, we learn what we should and shouldn’t reveal about ourselves – watching what people react negatively to. We close ourselves off more and more to the ones who love us next until, we become a shell of the person we used to be. Avoiding talking about ourselves so we seem, what? Normal? Perfect? In control? Where’s the humanity in that?
Today I saw my grandmother’s ghost. My grandmother died of lung cancer when I was ten, 11 years ago today. Her favorite place in the world was her and my grandfather’s beach house, which is where I currently am with my mother, sister, and grandfather. My mom wanted to come down yesterday to help my grandfather fix up the place and she didn’t want to drive alone so I went with her.
Well today my mom and grandfather were fixing up the front yard and courtyard. My mom bought a lot of things; flowers, grass stuff, ribbon, pillows. She dropped a pillow when she was walking up to the house this afternoon and asked me to grab it and put it on Gammy’s (what we called my grandmother) chair. And I hesitated a bit thinking “Gammy’s chair? What chair is that?” I didn’t know, I didn’t remember. But I went out and picked up the pillow. Then I turned around and started up the deck steps to ask my mom. And there was my grandmother. Sitting in her chair on the deck. In a light pink short sleeve shirt and white shorts, her hair was short and salt and pepper grey like back before she had the cancer. She didn’t look at me or say anything, she was looking straight out with her fingers resting against her jaw. She was kind of see through, she wasn’t solid looking. And she was gone in what seemed like a blink of an eye. And I put the pillow down on what I now knew was her chair and walked inside. I’ve always been a bit sensitive. This was the most personal encounter I’ve had. I’m honored she chose to let me see her and that it was today of all days. When I told my mom, I think she was a little bit surprised my grandmother looked “old” and not young like she thought she would. But I think she took a form that I would recognize her as.
Today when I was doing a tarot spread, the question “how to find peace of mind” was answered by a reversed seven of wands. This meant I had to stop being indecisive and say what I felt and move on. But to also be patient because my situation wasn’t close to resolution. I have been looking for this. I have been repressing my emotions because I felt I shouldn’t be having them! I feel that if I get out what I want to say then I will be able to move on. I know it will be a while though before I do get to say them it though.