When I was younger I used to gather all the neighborhood kids together and have them lay down in the grass so I could “read their vibes.” I would place my hands a few inches above their bodies and move my hands up and down their bodies, scanning various parts and telling them to relax certain parts because I could feel where they were tense on their bodies and if I felt energy at their head I would take that as they can’t stop thinking. Recently I looked into Reiki healing and got my certification in it because I felt connected to it – that’s what I was doing when I was reading my neighbors vibes. Funny how things come full circle years later like that.
I would consider myself an empath. I feel everything so deeply, not just for myself but for others as well. When someone I care about is upset it just kills me. I remember being in elementary school and my friends were really upset about something and crying and I wasn’t upset about the same thing but because my friends were upset I started crying and I remember telling this to the guidance counselor when she called everyone down and she just smiled at me and told me it was good I cared so much about my friends. This has contented throughout my life but I’ve learned to control it better so that I don’t cry when my family cries or when a lot of my friends cry – I try to stay the strong unaffected one now for them. I feel everything so deeply it can just be uncomfortable when they aren’t my feelings, like I have no reason to feel this sadness besides another person is.
I sat here writing these rough drafts to you. They all started with “I’m sorry…” or “I know this is stupid but…” etc. But no. No. I will not do that to myself. I got so used to you belittling me I started to do it to myself and I haven’t even noticed it. I am not going to apologize for what I’m going to say. The only thing I am sorry for is for shrinking myself down for you so that you wouldn’t get angry at me and leave. As if that worked.
I am not going to apologize for how I feel or felt. You can sit here and shake your head at me and tell me that I’m naive and that I haven’t learned anything. But thats just your opinion. I have learned so much since we broke up. So much. But I unfortunately am not some enlightened being yet, I am human and sometimes I have good days and I have bad days and you cannot judge me for my humanity.
I am not going to sit here and have you “test” me on how I’ve grown as a person. Because what you’re seeing right now isn’t at all what you think I should be like by now. I am not sorry that you don’t see my progress. But the thing is, you don’t know me anymore. You don’t know really who I am or what I’m like. You’re seeing this small glimpse of me. And I do not have to prove myself to you. I do not have to show my worth and how I have grown. What would it even matter to you? And right now the same goes for you so I’m not going to judge you for right now. We don’t know each other anymore. Honestly I don’t care who you are. I don’t care. You have no place in my life anymore. And God, all I want is to stop thinking about you. I loved you and I am not sorry for that. I am not sorry for anything that happened in our relationship. You helped me grow as a person in so many ways. We have fulfilled our purposes in each other lives and we will leave it as that.
My parents aren’t in love anymore. I don’t think they’ve been for a very long time. I remember in high school one of my friends insisted that people never stayed in love, they simply stayed together for convenience and I remember my little hopeless romantic self yelling how that wasn’t true. But I think it might be nowadays, especially with my parents. They are together simply for convenience. My mom has the health insurance and he’s the breadwinner. They don’t talk to each other. When my siblings and I aren’t home, they rarely talk unless it’s about us or bills. It’s sad. They spend their days at work and their evenings watching tv, usually in two different rooms. They only real time they spend together is when they go to sleep. That’s something that I never want for myself if I ever do get married.
A few months ago after a breakup with my boyfriend, I told one of my best friends that I couldn’t help but miss my ex and wondered if we’d get back together. And my friend gave me the best piece of advice that I found myself thinking about today. He told me, “When you’re 35 and he’s 35, will he be the absolute best person for you?”
At the time I sighed and weakly said “I guess not..” not really sure if I actually thought that but I knew it was the answer I should have given. But today, I sat here, almost a year after the break up and thought, “No. There was no way even if we got back together now – there is no way he’d be the best person then. He’s not even the best person for me now!” That was really empowering. I move on more and more every day. And while I’m sure he moved on very shortly after our break up, I’m still healing and recovering and learning so much about myself along the way. So even though sometimes I miss being in a relationship, I am enjoying this time of self discovery that I wouldn’t have reached without my breakup.
Have you ever heard of Alex Grey? He is a spiritual artist that I came across today while doing research for an art class. I saw his work and immediately started crying. His work is so powerful and his Sacred Mirror series is my favorite and the one I connect with the most – which is kind of the whole point of the series to see yourself as the human and it is just the creation of the human form from simple elements to being a transcended being. It is truly incredible and I just want you all to know about this and about him.
Check him out at alexgrey.com
I used to be really set on what I wanted to do with my life – career wise anyways. Since I was 13 I knew what I wanted to do. But recently, now that graduation is approaching I am second-guessing myself and rethinking my whole life plan. I have so many options but the things I want to do make no money and the things that pay a good amount of money are things I’m not really interested in. I used to be dead-set on working and then going back to school and getting my masters and being able to be a professor when I retired but I just don’t know if I’m going to be motivated enough to do that. And I can’t just go straight to grad school because I have to pay off my loans so I don’t accumulate more interest. I have a bit to figure it out but I’m kind of stressing. I guess worst case scenario I can always sell my eggs (and definitely not tell my mother). Guess I’ll see what’s in store.
I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of person. I think that’s part of why I’m straightedge. Because if I wasn’t, I would be a drug-addict, alcoholic (I would never smoke because of my grandmother dying from lung cancer). I cannot do anything in moderation. I was anorexic for many years, and now I just binge eat. I go back and forth between extremes in my actions and my feelings. I’m either too much or not enough and I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t find my balance. I’ve never been good at balancing and I really don’t know how to correct it. I try meditating on it to figure it out but I haven’t been very successful. So I just stay bouncing from too much and not enough when I think it’s fit not even considering how other people might feel. I guess, I can’t really win at this.
You know. For so long I’ve believed this idea that love is highs and lows, extremes of love and sadness. But that’s not love. That’s madness. But god, it’s just, what is it then? Is it just complacency? I don’t want to think that because then what makes the person you love, different than anyone else? I’m having such a hard time trying to figure out what love is supposed to be life – to feel like. I don’t want emotional highs and lows but to just neutrally enjoy someone forever just seems wrong. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.